Saturday, January 30, 2021
"dont wanna . i dont like going out with another human only"...... "ok got it. i'm just like other humans only"......
was i expecting more..... not really. tbh, the way forward only is try not to have expectations and continue to show my concern for her that's all. im not sure whether my reply would make the situation any more awkward but yes this has been a mentally draining journey for me......
this past week has been filled with endless work. its the kind of feeling that you feel so busy, yet nothing gets accomplished. seen it coming but really didnt expect the daunting tasks that seemed to be piling up in front of me. perhaps the one thing im glad is that i do have helpful people ard me giving appropriate advises, not just at work but in relationships as well. I thank your, from the bottom of my heart
yes im beginning to be more mindful abt getting negative thoughts or emotions affecting me. im not sure whether its just mind fuck but meditation does seem to make my thoughts seem clearer and i really do feel less tired (at least at the start of everyday)
...the dark lord came, and left
Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Used to like immersing myself in books, dramas....... that's when i can bring myself out of the state of mind i'm momentarily in and just forget about whatever happiness, unhappiness state i'm in
increasingly though, that translates into dance and at times running that i can do that. Perhaps there are some unique connection that release of physical exertions does to the spiritual state of mind...
this year hasn't been exactly smooth sailing but it really does provide time to take a step back from the daily grind, the rat race to sit back to ponder the what, the why i'm doing certain things in life. I don't really have the answer to all this....
at las, its not all about work though.... because of this, mixed feelings i have each time with the start and end of weekdays... yes there will be growth out of this situation. will something fruitful happens out of this? i really hope so but the mind does not sync with the heart. of course i do not want to be inside that bubble again, with these endless loop replaying in my head. for someone like me, its not really easy for me to consider someone to become a SO. i also do know this saying" its not that you are not good enough, its just that the someone does not see the goodness in you". Whatever happens, whether it does or does not, my wish is that i will come out a happier, a better person.... yup that's my wish for this year!
well i'm not sure what i'm ranting abt here, perhaps i just needed an avenue to just rattle off:)
...the dark lord came, and left
Saturday, September 5, 2020
"A dark green snake appear in the middle of my living room. As I step forward, it make its way towards me. I looked at its eyes.... but strange enough there was no fear; I mean it does not make sense isn't it? There was calmness within me.... and as it's fangs was making its inevitable way towards my neck, time seems to have slowed.......its eyes seem somewhat familiar and my thoughts drifted......."
My alarm rang, its strange...... Strange because, I don't really recall what happens in my dreams and also because I rarely dream if ever.... Is this a premonition as what is mentioned online? Perhaps a sign of growth ? or a sign of my growing feelings of fear, jealousy and deceit?
No matter what happens, I hope that today's me is a better and more mature person than i was years back and that I can find it in me to attain what I truely desire
...the dark lord came, and left
Sunday, August 9, 2020
Perhaps if its you, I don't really dislike this possibility
Been feeling a little troubled this past few weeks, especially after this CB period. Is it because of the almost daily stirrings by the well meaning people (or should I say wanting to make fun of me) in the office...... it did stir something deep down within me which has not really happen for quite some time. (other than work itself which, more and more I'm having the lack of motivation to keep myself going)
I dont really know whether is this considered liking someone or just because you see this person on an almost daily basis. On one end, you wish you could find out more about this person, on the other somewhat you are always mindful of this saying "do not eat where you shit". The what happens, the what ifs when you upset the delicate balance between friendship and maybe.... something more. You want to do something more without appearing clingy, without being a bother but yet perhaps this person just sees you nothing more as an ordinary colleague at work. you want to intrude into this person's life but yet at the same time you are mindful that this person requires a lot of "me time" to keep her emotions, stress levels in check
I do know one thing though, i wouldn't mind learning more about you as a person and yes, perhaps if its you, i dont really dislike this possibility
ok back to work :(
...the dark lord came, and left
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Was over after a few days of not touching any work. Perhaps I have really become old , there was nothing fanciful going on the last day of2018 and the first day of 2019, simply bingeing on good old books and drama....
Really can’t believe that my 31st lifespan on earth just went past like a whirlwind. Other than the short holidays, it’s been filled with nothing but work. Not that it was bad, but the work do gets overwhelming at times to the point that it gets draining. Perhaps I could and should manage it better I guess... hopefully the new year comes with more conviction, more direction.
Still waiting to close the barren spell when it comes to affairs of the heart. It does get lonely at times, it really does.... not that I did not try. Maybe I’m still too shy. I need to meet more people
2018 has gone like the whirlwind, hopefully whatever winds of change that fate brings along carries a smile on me in 2019
...the dark lord came, and left
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
A thought linger through while I was mired in work today....
"nobody really cares how the work is done but rather is the work done"
thats why one hear cases of people rising up without doing too much work just because they happened to be at the right place at the right time. some call this luck but I feel that one needs to be prepared to be able to ride the winds of fortune.
Also there is a need to learn not to take it upon ownself to undertake every single task. Delegation and leveraging is as much an important skill to acquire during the course of work on top of being able to inspire and lead people
I guess, I'm feeling kind of max up doing the nitty gritty and other people's shitty stuff. Aghhh still have so much to learn to become a better manager :(
...the dark lord came, and left
Monday, July 30, 2018
"you can't connect the dots looking into the future. you can only connect them by looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots somehow connect in the future...." Steve Jobs
I do asked myself how did I end up the way I am today and more often than not, what will I become in the future. Its kinda scary, knowing what the future holds for me cause its the unknown. There's always this thought lingering, am I on the right track, am I doing this right.
I admit, I'm a born pessimist, I have little faith in myself. Perhaps all I needed was a little more faith, a little more assurance from people that I'm doing just fine, I'm just too uptight about myself. Everybody has their own pace in life, for me its just that the timing is not there yet.
Eventually I will get there, to where the end of the rainbow is, to where the pot of gold lies, to where my destiny is..... Perhaps the clue to this is to just look back and start connecting the dots and perhaps a little more courage:)
...the dark lord came, and left
